My fellow Americans.
I stand before you tonight to report the scam is working, I’m robbing you blind and due to my god given talent for churning an insufferable and never ending Tsunami of Tsuris, you will never be able to catch up with me.
When it comes to the level of our political debate, I have now dropped the bar so low, Sean Hannity and Tucker Carlson are actually applauding drunks at the end of the bar because they talk the way I do.
Our economy is strong. Primarily because I screwed up on health care for so long, I didn’t have the time to mess with your livelihood until December. The good news is that everyone is getting a tax cut, except privileged people in Blue States, who we have screwed in a strike so surgical, it would make Colin Powell smile. Wait. He’s probably one of the people we screwed. Did I mention those tax cuts are to be paid for with caviar dreams and sugar plum fairies? And while I’m taking credit for everything good that is happening now, the reality is the clock on my economy only just started ticking. And who cares? I’ve actually got my minions out there arguing that I am responsible for the lowest level of black unemployment ever. And you know what I did to make that happen? Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Black unemployment has been on a steady decline since Obama started turning the whole economy around in 2010, but again, my people are not detail oriented. If I say I did it, that’s all they need.
Our national defense would appear to be fine. Thankfully nobody is really paying close attention. I did just shiv The Kurds, who were literally our boots on the ground in the fight against Isis, by backing their Turkish enemy because, lets face it, that Erdogan really knows how to take control. He’s my kind of guy. Who cares about the Kurds? Right? We don’t need allies in the Middle East.
In Korea, little Rocket man is pissed I keep calling his bluff. What’s the worst that can happen there? He nukes Hawaii? Maybe the entire West Coast? I should be so lucky. Then there wouldn’t be enough Blue States left to ever take me down.
As to Homeland Security, who the hell knows? I’ve totally hollowed out the entire executive branch. That’s got to be destabilizing? Right? Then I took my General from Homeland Security off the job so the prick could run my White House. At the very least, that had to disrupt things a bit longer? Right? The point is, I am doing everything I can to turn a blind eye to a potential terrorist attack. You know, by dark skinned people. Not misunderstood white guys with bump stocks and AR-15s.
Did you see my new Secretary of Homeland, by the way? You gotta love her. The lady was giving Democrat Senators fits the other day, pretending she just could not remember what she heard me say when I clearly called Haiti and all of Africa, shit hole countries. Or was it shit head? See? I’ve even got you worrying about that stupid distinction without a difference.
The important thing here is, with most of our intelligence agencies focused on trying to nail me and me working overtime to completely discredit them before they do, when it comes to stopping that next 9/11 type of attack, nobody is really minding the store. Which means when it happens, I’ll talk tough. My numbers will go through the roof. And Alec Baldwin will be audited with an endoscope, every year, for the rest of his life.
As to the so called Russia investigation, please remember only like — two of my guys — actually plead guilty to anything. Okay? And when I told Lester Holt I fired Comey only because of this Trump/Russia thing, I didn’t know that was the definition of obstruction. So it doesn’t count, okay? I’m only a business man, right? And business men obstruct justice. Okay? When we’re not laundering money. Am I right? Anyway, as Lindsay Graham just said, if I fire Mueller, that would be the end of my presidency. And it would be. But here’s the irony: if I don’t fire him, chances are 50/50 I’ll survive. And if I do, I promise you will never see the end of my presidency.
So in conclusion my fellow Americans, what’s good for me is now what’s good for America. If you love me, I love you. If you don’t, feel free to move to any shit hole country you choose. Because you are no longer welcome in the shit head country me and my people are making great again.
My fellow Americans, The State of my Unium, is strong.
Thank you Stormy Daniels and may God bless … my 38% of America.