My fellow Americans.

I stand before you tonight to report the scam is working, I’m robbing you blind and due to my god given talent for churning an insufferable and never ending Tsunami of Tsuris, you will never be able to catch up with me.

When it comes to the level of our political debate, I have now dropped the bar so low, Sean Hannity and Tucker Carlson are actually applauding drunks at the end of the bar because they talk the way I do.

Our economy is strong. Primarily because I screwed up on health care for so long, I didn’t have the time to mess with your livelihood until December. The good news is that everyone is getting a tax cut, except privileged people in Blue States, who we have screwed in a strike so surgical, it would make Colin Powell smile. Wait.  He’s probably one of the people we screwed. Did I mention those tax cuts are to be paid for with caviar dreams and sugar plum fairies? And while I’m taking credit for everything good that is happening now, the reality is the clock on my economy only just started ticking. And who cares? I’ve actually got my minions out there arguing that I am responsible for the lowest level of black unemployment ever. And you know what I did to make that happen? Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Black unemployment has been on a steady decline since Obama started turning the whole economy around in 2010, but again, my people are not detail oriented. If I say I did it, that’s all they need.

Our national defense would appear to be fine. Thankfully nobody is really paying close attention. I did just shiv The Kurds, who were literally our boots on the ground in the fight against Isis, by backing their Turkish enemy because, lets face it, that Erdogan really knows how to take control. He’s my kind of guy. Who cares about the Kurds? Right? We don’t need allies in the Middle East.

In Korea, little Rocket man is pissed I keep calling his bluff. What’s the worst that can happen there? He nukes Hawaii? Maybe the entire West Coast? I should be so lucky. Then there wouldn’t be enough Blue States left to ever take me down.

As to Homeland Security, who the hell knows? I’ve totally hollowed out the entire executive branch. That’s got to be destabilizing? Right? Then I took my General from Homeland Security off the job so the prick could run my White House. At the very least, that had to disrupt things a bit longer? Right? The point is, I am doing everything I can to turn a blind eye to a potential terrorist attack. You know, by dark skinned people. Not misunderstood white guys with bump stocks and AR-15s.

Did you see my new Secretary of Homeland, by the way? You gotta love her. The lady was giving Democrat Senators fits the other day, pretending she just could not remember what she heard me say when I clearly called Haiti and all of Africa, shit hole countries. Or was it shit head? See? I’ve even got you worrying about that stupid distinction without a difference.

The important thing here is, with most of our intelligence agencies focused on trying to nail me and me working overtime to completely discredit them before they do, when it comes to stopping that next 9/11 type of attack, nobody is really minding the store. Which means when it happens, I’ll talk tough. My numbers will go through the roof. And Alec Baldwin will be audited with an endoscope, every year, for the rest of his life.

As to the so called Russia investigation, please remember only like — two of my guys — actually plead guilty to anything. Okay? And when I told Lester Holt I fired Comey only because of this Trump/Russia thing, I didn’t know that was the definition of obstruction. So it doesn’t count, okay? I’m only a business man, right? And business men obstruct justice. Okay? When we’re not laundering money. Am I right? Anyway, as Lindsay Graham just said, if I fire Mueller, that would be the end of my presidency. And it would be. But here’s the irony: if I don’t fire him, chances are 50/50 I’ll survive. And if I do, I promise you will never see the end of my presidency.

So in conclusion my fellow Americans, what’s good for me is now what’s good for America. If you love me, I love you. If you don’t, feel free to move to any shit hole country you choose. Because you are no longer welcome in the shit head country me and my people are making great again.

My fellow Americans, The State of my Unium, is strong.
Thank you Stormy Daniels and may God bless … my 38% of America.

Scampaign 8.10.15

So Donald Trump doesn’t have the time for “Political Correctness?”  Fine.  Can’t he at the very least spare a second or two not be an absolute douche?

I guess I would be willing to give him the benefit of the doubt over an issue like  The NFL’s Washington “Red Slurs,” but when it comes to the accepted norms of basic human interaction , is it too much to ask the guy not be an absolute and total Dick, every time he opens his trap?

He’s like an overgrown  8 year old, spoiled  and enabled by adults who didn’t love him enough.  ‘I’ve been pretty nice to you but I won’t be now because you’re mean.  You were mean to me. Waa. Waa. Waaaaaa.’

He’s very very rich.  I know this to because he keeps telling me.  He has his own Boeing jet and penthouses all over the world.  He’s married to his third super model in less than thirty years.  He’s got chauffeurs and “people” everywhere he goes.  How is it THIS GUY can’t carve out just a few moments once in a blue fracking moon not to be a total douche bag?

I doubt very strongly that he could ever get elected President of the United States but he easily wins the race  for President of DoucheLand.

Or is that “The Doucheland?.”

It’s silly season in presidential politics right now, with a cricus clown leading the pack and people asking seriously if it’s for real?  No. It’s not.  We haven’t even bused voters in for the Iowa Straw Poll yet.  Michele Bachman won that one last cycle and took the lead. Then Herman Cain stepped up for a few.  Then New Gingrich was the guy and Rick Santorum actually won Iowa and then guess what? The guy everyone knew was going to get the gig all along, got the gig.  Past performance is not always a guarantee of future pain, but in this case…

And while I am talking to myself I might as well chime in on Scampagin 2016. “Scampaign,” btw,  is an unregistered trademark of Comedy USA, which is actually trademarked itself on the Secondary Registry of  Federal Trademarks. That and a ton of legal bills would enable me to prevent others from using that name commercially. At the moment, I’m not interested in big legal bills. And I own all the web URLs.

Back to the first “Debate”.

In a nutshell, the media is telling me to think Carly Fiorina was the superstar of the bringer show while either Trump, Rubio, Carson. Kasich, Bush, Walker, Huckabee, Christy or Don Rickles stood a little taller than the rest at the late show. Or that nobody did.

Here’s what I heard from Carly Fiorina: On my first day, I will start a war and make sure Bibi Netanyahu knows this president will be his bitch. Corporations are my kinda of people and remember folks: it’s government largess that’s depriving you of a future, not the rate of our executive pay compared to everyone else’s.  And then of course she added “Rah, USA, Rah” “Conservative, Rah, USA ,Rah.”

Jeb? A bit goofy? No? Of course all his stats on Florida’s economic success drew the line at the moment he left the building, conveniently ignoring a total economic collapse in his aftermath. Seems to be a family trait? No?

Trump? He’s the candidate for people who found George W Bush “too intellectual”.
He’s just a mean spirited crabby face . He’s Incredibly thin skinned. And remember: he made his fortune building skyscrapers in New York City with concrete.  And who was selling concrete in those days? I’m not saying he knew Tony Soprano. But if Tony Soprano was real, Trump would have.

Rand Paul? His strategy was clearly to attack Trump or anyone else getting attention and win the spotlight in the process. Bad news Rand. I believe I am the only one who noticed. I also write blogs for nobody. And do you use Jerry Curl?

Mike Huckabee? If you like his show on Fox …he’ll be right back.

Marco Rubio? His Mother and Father both worked on the work farm, every day, every night and every sentient moment of his childhood and life. It’s the story of a small town boy….zzzzzzzzzz.  Got it.

Chris Christy? The press conference format was the perfect set up for him. It’s where he excels in his day job and did so last night, too.  If you didn’t know New Jersey placed 44 out of the 50 States in job growth on his watch, he would have you believing he was number two with a bullet. He is right about part of that equation.

Dr. Ben Carson. Brain Surgeon. Black. Conservative. Pulled himself up by his bootstraps. If he could do it, you don’t need any help. He is also the next in a growing line of Black conservatives who have run for president behind Alan Keyes and Herman Cain. This development enables me to repeat a favorite old joke through yet another Scampaign cycle: Ben Carson: A black man running for the Republican Presidential Nomination. That means he’s got about as much chance … as a black man running for the Republican Presidential Nomination. Ba da boom. I am back!!

Finally, what was with the live mic post show comments from the GOP American Idol judges/panelists?

Hey Bret Baier, on my set, the wife said you looked orange.  Megyn Kelly, you are what makes Fox News, Fox News and Chris Wallace, are you really going to vote for any one of those people?  Of course you are.

More soon.
Or not.